


Static

by NightmareGore



Series: Short Stories [2]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Do Not Read If You Can't Handle Very Serious Talk Of Any Of This, Heavy Angst, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Isolation, Just Sean, Regret, Sad Ending, Separation Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, There Never Was An Anti, no happy endings here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:23:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22019332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightmareGore/pseuds/NightmareGore
Summary: This was a vent, a very heavy vent written by me from personal experience so this will not have a happy ending. This is not for the faint of heart or those who are easily triggered by any of these topics.You have been severely warned. DO NOT BLAME ME IF YOU GET TRIGGERED.
Series: Short Stories [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1106916
Kudos: 8





	Static

**Author's Note:**

> This is your last chance to click off of this page.

Sean sat there, his hands feeling tight as he looked down at them, slowly opening them and feeling the need to close them back up into fists. His head was filled with static as he sat alone in his empty apartment's bedroom, the only thing in his bedroom was his bed (with one sheet and a small pillow), an end table, and the built in closet. Its not the good type of static either, the type where your brain has already used all its ammo on you so all thats left is the self hating silence, nothing left to describe just how much you hate yourself, how much you're failing at life or how annoying you are. His chest felt like it was all tied up in knots, but he knew what that was, he was having an anxiety attack.. but he's had them so much at this point that he just sat there with a blank stare, not reacting in any form to the way his stomach was flipping over on its self and the way it felt like he couldn't breathe. He simply swallowed and stared at his hands with breaths that were a little too shallow, uncomfortable static filling his head to the point of where he couldn't block it out anymore.. right, he was trying to do that a minute ago, he could kind of acknowledge the music playing in the background, he could tell it was loud but he couldn't focus on it, it just felt like an unbarable noise in his ears, as if someone was shreeking at him right next to his ear but at the same time he was muddled down by the static in his own head.  
He knew he should get his medication, do something to stop this but.. he couldn't bring himself to move, feeling as if he was paralized in this spot, sitting in the same suffocating room. He was alone, and thats all he felt, a giant gaping hole in his chest, a strange feeling when it was mixed with the same knots from the anxiety, it made him want to sob out, but he didn't. he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, but he couldn't bring himself to do that. He sat in his own silence, a dread settling over his whole body, not even having enough energy to close his eyes. He tried to take a deep breath, holding it there like his old therapist told him to, but feeling the heavy and loud beat of his own heart was too much and he never lasted a second when holding it in, going back to the shallow breathing he could manage.. the most he had energy to do. He was exhausted, feeling the tiredness in his eyes as they strained to focus on his hand, it hurt and he wanted to sleep so bad but he couldn't bring himself to do it, he couldn't move.  
He could hear in the static.  
He could hear every insult..  
He could hear his ex in the static in his head, telling him not to contact anyone else in a passive agressive manner, saying that they didn't trust anyone he knew... and he was dumb enough to believe them, and now the people who were in his life were no where to be seen, not being there anymore when he tried to talk to them again.. they were all gone and he was stuck here alone in his room... He could hear his ex overreacting to everything he did, crying, yelling, throwing fits. He could hear everytime they asked what was wong only to say they were the problem behind his thoughts, leading him to stay insecure and unassured or uncomforted as he tried to calm them down.. he never recieved any support from them when he always supported them and told them everything was okay... In the static he could make out all of the things he had been conditioned to think, annoying.. controlling.. never enough.. abusive.. monster.. In the static he could make out the one phrase they said that made him break more.. that he let it happen... he let himself be used by his friend for over a year. Brainwashed.. over the span of 3 years.  
He could see the fuzzy partial memories of the night he lost his innocence but in the static he could feel those hands roam every inch of his body, the only thing he could remember properly.. those hands... he could see in the static, every instance he was molested in public, those hands traveling down to grope his ass when no one was looking. He could hear his voice in the staic, saying how nice his ass was.. how perfect he was.. it made him feel disgusting.. like he could never scrub hard enough to rid of those feeling from him. his innocence lost as soon as he first looked at him.  
But at the same time, he couldn't feel anything.. as if his body was g̺̘͈̪ͧͥ͑͐͌̓͢l̵̜̮̘͊ͭ̊͑͗i͈͖̻̞̮̻ͬͯ̐ͮ̄ͨ̊͜t̯̫͖̒c̫͕̣͉͈̍̍h̴͗̅i̡ͥ̂̊ͧͭͩ̚n̮͈̩̬̤͉ͥͮͮͦ͑̽̌g̭̬̤̝̋͋ͥ..  
He wanted it all to stop, all of this, it was a painful constant existance that he could barely stand anymore, feeling nothing but everything at the same time. He was too far gone in his own head to even make sense of what was going on half of the time, confusing signals and almost always having a scowl on his face. He was alone, his worst fear was his living hell and he went through it every day.. he had met some people online but.. he was never brave enough to message first and they slowly stopped knowing who he was but he never forgot who they were, his momentary happiness burned into his skull as a painful reminder of what he is now. A wrecked person of who he once was. Then again he hasn't been himself in a long time, he didn't know who he was anymore, all that responded when he asked who he was was the static in his head sounding louder and angrier.  
It wasn't static.. it was everything.. every memory.. every trauma.. being thrown at him all at once, becoming a muddled mess that sounded and felt like static.  
He wanted the static to stop, he was tired, he was so exhausted..  
He managed to lift his eyes from his hand, looking up to his bedside table and seeing something that made the static grow louder in his head, unbareably louder. He stared at it for a long time.. or what he thought was a long time, he couldn't tell how much time was passing anymore..  
He finally moved, an arm slowly reaching out and touching a cool metal that momentarily quieted the static in his head before it just grew louder and louder. He took the item in his right hand and brought it to his lap, his other hand moving to run its fingers over the cool metal, but that only made the static louder. He stared at it... for how long? He didn't know...  
He turned the item around in his hands until it faced him, the static screaming at him louder and louder, he was feeling everything all at once and at the same time he felt absolutely nothing.. He wanted it to stop, he wanted it all to stop, he was so so so tired.. Soon the static screeched, louder than its ever been. "D̶̤̟̂ͤ͒͑ͭ͐͜O̥̠̹ͯ̊̽̋ͣ̃͌ ̮̮͔̤̺̈́ͬI̥͇̳͎̹͉̓ͭ̕T̛̲͉̳͗̔̀͘͝!"

Silence...

**Author's Note:**

> I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR DECISION TO READ


End file.
